We Left, But I'm Still There
by lashlaruey
Summary: The future was mysterious; like everything, Kate didn't know for sure how things would turn out, whether or not Claire would indeed get better... but she had hope, and hope was the only thing keeping everything from falling apart.
1. Nightmares

A hand closes suddenly over Claire's mouth. Her eyes open and widen with horror as a needle is brandished before her, and her shirt is ripped back aggressively to expose her vulnerable, heavily-pregnant stomach. She is stabbed. Again. Again. Repeatedly. Violently.

Kate's eyes open quickly to the sound of Claire's scream. She hurls herself up and presses a switch next to her; the hotel room comes into view.

"Somebody's hurting me, please, help me!"

Claire is sat up on the bed trembling. Kate jumps down from her bed a few feet away and kneels down next to her.

"He held me down!" Claire continues her cries, her eyes streaming.

"Claire, it's okay..." Kate closes her hand softly on Claire's.

"He just ran away, just then!"

"Claire, look at me, it's okay. There's nobody here..."

"There was! I was sleeping and woke up and he was trying to hurt my baby. He had this thing like a needle. He stabbed me with it. He was trying to hurt my-!" She stops mid-sentence when she feels her stomach, not only is there no marks, but it is flat.

"See, it was just a nightmare. That's all it was"

Claire looks around the room. It is a small, damp, basic... and there's no one here apart from them.

"Aaron," she has a look in her eyes like she's just come to a realization, "where's Aaron?"

"He's with your mother. You know that."

"I want to see him."

"Not yet. We'll see him once you feel bet-"

"I want to see my baby!"

"Not yet, Claire." Kate tries her best to balance firmness with kindness. "But soon... soon, okay?"

Claire digests the information, then attempts a nod. Her sobs begin to descend. She looks down shakily at her hands, analyzing the light fingernail marks she has dug into her palms.

Kate watches her, "was it the same nightmare?"

"Yeah... the pregnancy, the needle, the stabbing... Ethan." Her and Kate exchange a look. "I don't understand, Kate. What do you think it means?"

Kate thinks for a second, "Look, things are going to be weird for a while. You're just adjusting... to this. You were on the island for a long time, Claire."

"The last time I had that nightmare, Kate, it... it wasn't a nightmare. It was real. It really happened."

There is a pause. They both know what each other is thinking; terrible mind-flashes of the events of 2004... Ethan not being on the manifest... Claire being taken... Charlie found hanged... Jack saving Charlie... Charlie shooting Ethan... A small chapter of their island life... a million years ago... unknowing of all the unimaginable events that would come after.

"Well, it's not happening now," Kate thoughts are back to the present, "Ethan died a long time ago, Aaron is safe with your mother and the island... the island is million miles away. Nothing can happen to you here, Claire. You're home now. You're safe."

There is a second pause, this time Kate doesn't know what Claire is thinking.

"No," Claire replies softly, not removing her gaze from the tattered carpet, "I'm not."

"What?"

"I'm not home, Kate."

"What are you talking about? Of course you-"

"You're home," she interrupts Kate, finally looking up, "But I'm still there. I never left."

"Claire, you're not making any sense."

"Look at me! Look what the island has done to me, I shouldn't be here!"

"Yes, you should. Aaron is here. Aaron needs you."

"Aaron doesn't need this! This mess..." she looks down at herself, "...this... this body damaged by a place that we have to lie about, that no one even knows exists!" Claire's tear-stained cheeks are now trailing with new ones. "A place where horrible, horrible things happened"

Kate is lost for words for a second, her eyes beginning to tear up also, but quickly gathers her thoughts, "you are going to get better. You are."

"I can't sleep," Claire continues her cries, "I can't eat, I can't even think... without my mind being on that island... and I'm scared, Kate... I'm really scared."

"I know," Kate nods, tightens her grip on Claire's hand, "I know you are... and I am too, but I went back to that island to get you, to find you, to bring you back HOME. And now I have... for Aaron... for you."

Claire follows suit and grips Kate's hand vice-like.

"I will help you," Kate continues, "just like I said I would."

Claire manages a slight smile through her sobs, and suddenly breaks down into tears, resting her head slowly onto Kate's chest. Kate puts her arms around her and rocks her lightly, "you'll get better. I promise."

As these words ran from Kate's mouth and through her head, she began to question their credibility. The future was mysterious; like everything, she didn't know for sure how things would turn out, whether or not Claire would indeed get better, but her words where filled with hope, and hope was all she and Claire had.

Hope was the only thing keeping everything from falling apart.


	2. Room Service

"Who is it?" The hotel room door had knocked several seconds earlier, and Kate was now standing cautiously in front of it.

"Room service." The voice is deep, husky and very familiar. She opens it; Sawyer is stood learnt against the mahogany doorframe. "Can I take your order, miss?" He adds with a cheeky smile, and it was that exact moment she realized how much she missed it. It had felt like a long time.

"Wow, room service at twenty-five dollars a night." She gives her usual smirk back. "If that isn't a bargain..."

"Yeah, well, we're renowned for our outstanding customer service here at..." He pauses, then leans in and whispers, "what's this place called again?"

They both chuckle, then a short silence; they look at each other.

"How ya doin', freckles?"

Kate thinks about the question, then nods, "We're doing okay. How are you?"

"I'm just dandy."

Another silence; they smile.

"Come in. I'll go wake Claire and tell her you're here, she's just having a nap." She turns to walk back inside the room.

"Hey, hold up there."

Kate stops and turns back. "What?"

Sawyer peaks in cheekily; Claire is sleeping deeply in one of the two single beds. "Let's leave old Rousseau the Second to have her sleep. I have a feeling you need a good ol' drink, so I'm taking you out."

Kate lets out a laugh, "you're taking me out?"

"I sure am."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't think there's a half-decent bar around here for miles."

"Well I don't think you've been lookin' hard enough. I happen to know a perfectly fine bar, downstairs right in this very building."

Kate eyes him sarcastically, "you wanna take me to the hotel bar?"

"Yes I do."

She laughs again. She didn't want to admit it but this was the most she'd laughed in a while. "You want me to go like this?" She looks down at herself; she's wearing a tank top and worn out jeans.

"Well, it ain't exactly The Dorchester down there. I'm sure you'll fit in just fine."

"Alright, meet you down there in ten?"

He winks, "I'll be waitin'"

A few minutes later Kate and Sawyer are sat on rickety stools at the bar. It's empty except for them.

"Well, it's gotta be better than boar meat and Dharma food, right?" Sawyer asks, picking at an unpleasant-looking plate of nachos.

Kate grimaces as she swallows a mouthful of something. "All I'm saying is thank God there's a vending machine in this place."

They chuckle, both take a sip of their drinks.

"So, how's Guam life for ya?" Sawyer asks.

"Guam... well... I haven't exactly been the tourists spots."

Sawyer looks questionably.

"Claire never wants to leave the hotel room," Kate continues. "I've just been staying with her."

"Are you kids really doing okay?"

Kate looks down, puts down her drink.

"It's hard, you know. It's harder than I thought it would be... and Claire's having these dreams, it's just, it's been crazy."

"Dreams?"

"Nightmares."

"What kind of nightmares?"

"Do you remember when we first got to the island...?"

"I remember everything from that rock."

"...Claire thought she was having those dreams... dreams of someone trying to take Aaron?"

"What about them?"

"It's happening again... she screams herself awake almost every night, I have to calm her down."

Sawyer analyzes Kate; her eyes are heavy, her skin is dull.

"What do you think it means, Sawyer?" Kate resumes.

"Maybe..." Sawyer begins, Kate listens closely. "...she needs Aaron."

"What?"

"Maybe these dreams... nightmares... are a way of telling her she needs him back."

"Sawyer, I-I... you have to see her... she sleeps all day, and when she isn't doing that she just stares out of the window with this... this black expression. It's like the island is haunting her, Sawyer. She's not well enough - she's just not ready."

"Yeah, well... the island haunts all of us. You'd be lyin' if you said it didn't"

They exhange knowing looks.

"Look..." Sawyer resumes. "I'm not sayin' take Aaron, buy a condo and live happily ever after... just let her visit him, it might be good for her."

Kate nods, "you're right. It has crossed by mind, but..."

"But...?"

"It's Los Angeles. I'm scared of going back there, what if I get recognized? I survive two high-profile plane crashes, one still declared missing, and on top of that I'm wanted because I wasn't supposed to leave the State. Things could get bad, Sawyer."

Sawyer nods, "looks like things are just as messy here as they were on the island."

"When the plane from the island ran out of fuel I was scared, but more than that I was relieved... relieved that, whatever happened, we wouldn't end up in America. I'm glad we had to land here in Guam - I feel like I'm safe here."

"But it doesn't look like Claire is."

They look at each other.

"Look, Kate..." Sawyer continues. "Speakin' of L.A., there's a reason I came here to see you."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been spending a lot of time alone in that hotel, and I've had a lot of time to think."

"What are you saying?"

"I, uh... I'm leaving Guam. I'm gonna fly to Albuquerque."

"...New Mexico?"

"That's where my daughter lives."

Kate looks away from him. She is unsure of how to react.

"I'm gonna see my daughter, Kate." He smiles, and reaches out to rest his hand on Kate's.

"That's great," she replies unconvincingly, still not looking at him, and pulls her hand away. "Look, I better go back to the room. Claire might be awake."

She finishes her drink, slams it down and stands up. Sawyer's smile disappears.

"Thanks for the drink," she walks away, through the empty bar and into the reception area.

Sawyer throws a couple of dollar notes onto the bar and jogs after her. "Kate..."

"It's okay, Sawyer..."

He grabs her arm, she spins around. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," she goes to walk away, he grabs her again.

"Sure doesn't seem like nothing to me."

"Please, just let me go back to my room..."

"I'm not lettin' you go anywhere until you tell me what the hell is goin' on."

"You're leaving!" Kate bursts out. "That's what is going on."

Sawyer lets go of her arm, and she looks away so he doesn't see the tears in her eyes.

"I-I don't understand..."

"I need you Sawyer... Jack's dead... It's just me and Claire and sometimes... sometimes, the only thing keeping me going is knowing you are only a couple of minutes away, and that I can just ring you and you will be here... taking me out for a stupid drink. Sometimes it's all I need to keep me from going insane."

There's a pause. Everything is silent. They look at each other in the empty reception area.

Kate takes a deep breath before talking again, tears now coming down her face, "but you go, go to Mexico, see Clementine... she needs you too." Kate wipes the tears and nods, "she's a beautiful girl."

She turns to walk away for the final time. This time Sawyer doesn't grab her, he just looks on. "Kate!" he shouts helplessly.

Kate ignores it, and continues walking down the long corridor of doors, her head down, not even looking up to check which room is hers. She had been on the run, on an island and everything in between, but she had never, ever, felt as alone as did just now.


	3. Light

**Two chapters in one day, that's a record for this site right? :P**

**Thank you for the reviews, they inspire me so I'd love it if people wrote more. I decided to go a different route with this chapter than the last two - more descriptive than dialogue. Tell me which one you prefer.**

"Cassidy, I can't say much right now but give me a call when you this message. Thanks." Kate hangs up the phone, puts it to her chest and exhales. The phone message was direct but she couldn't say anything more... giving any details such as telling her who was calling or mentioning Claire, Aaron or the island would be a risk no sane person would take.

It took her three days, but after three sleepless nights due to Claire's screams Kate finally succumb to Sawyer's idea of reuniting Claire with Aaron. She wasn't exactly sure of the plan, or whether this was even the right idea at all; one thing she was sure of was that her and Claire couldn't go on living in their current situation.

She takes one long drag of her cigarette and dabs it out in the ashtray on the bedside table. Taking up smoking was just one way of coping. She hadn't seen or spoke to Sawyer since that night at the hotel bar three days ago; she assumed he got freaked out by her outburst and ran for the next flight to Albuquerque. She understood this, his need to see the daughter he'd only heard of through words but never seen, but a part of her, a selfish part of her, wished she was just a little bit more important. He would be happy, relishing in a life, a family of sorts, that had been waiting for him off the island, and she... she would be stuck with a crazy person.

No. That's a terrible thing to think. Claire isn't crazy. She's Claire. She just needs time. Patience. The truth, however, was that Kate didn't know how much more time she could handle. That wonderful night with Sawyer was snatched away as quickly and surprisingly as it came now that he was gone, and it just made her sink even further. She barely looked at herself in the mirror anymore, barely changed her clothes, and with each passing day, each sleepless night, each malnourished "dinner" from the vending machine, Kate felt like she was increasingly becoming more like Claire. Together they had gotten themselves into a spiraling rut, and it wasn't good for any of them, which was the reason she picked up the phone first thing that morning, looked up Cassidy in the American Phone Book and left her the message.

She glances over at Claire, whose sat in her usual position opposite the window staring out. Kate didn't know exactly what Claire was staring at, or if she was staring at anything in particular at all; perhaps she was just staring into oblivion. The thought unsettled Kate, and she tried her best to keep Claire distracted with mundane activities such as playing games of backgammon found underneath their beds, reading the complimentary magazines with her and watching bad Guam TV...

Something interrupts Kate's train of thought - a phone ringing. She fumbles and answers it instantly, "hello?"

"Who is this?"

"Cassidy - Cassidy Phillips? Is that you?"

"Yes, that's me. You left me a message earlier, who are you?"

"It's Kate. Kate Austin."

"Kate?"

"I'm with Claire."

"You're with - you found her? You're off the island?"

"Yes," Kate beams, "yes, we're off the island. We're in Guam."

Each doubt Kate had about contacting Cassidy vanish the more she talks excitedly through the phone. She turns to look at Claire, who had finally took her gaze away from the window to see the commotion. For the first time in what felt like a long time, it felt like things were moving forward, things were changing. She could see a light amidst the suffocating darkness of her rut, and she didn't want to lose sight of it.


End file.
